Held at Coupon Gunpoint

Thanks (but no thanks) to the outrageously popular TLC television show, Extreme Couponing, we're on freaking coupon overload at the grocery store. HIGH ALERT, PEOPLE! It's funny though, because what people actually DON'T learn from this show is how to coupon the right (and legal) way. I mean, it's like they think that we won't notice if they are trying to use 3 coupons to every 1 item they buy. Like we won't notice, and call them out, while they try to use coupons on things they DIDN'T buy! Some of these couponers are crazy lunatics, too! There are times when I fear for my life as I exit work... are they out by my car? Watching... waiting for me because I wouldn't let them scam the system?

It's really a shame that the bad couponers give them all a bad name. There are some great, smart and enjoyable couponers that do things the right way! I really encourage and admire them for saving a bagillion dollars the RIGHT way! I don't care if they have 100 coupons for Kraft BBQ sauce... as long as they buy 100 bottles of it!

Tonight at work, my CSM and I literally got bullied by a 70-something year old man because we wouldn't participate in coupon fraud for him. He had 4 coupons for $1.50 off of a 3-pack pouch of Beechnut chewing tobacco. In a carton there are 4  3-packs (total 12 individual packs). He wanted to use all 4 of those coupons and still get the tobacco at carton price. Carton price is considered a single item, I can't scan 4 coupons for one single item. That would be 3 coupons at $1.50 a pop that I would have to override and in turn, we wouldn't get credit for. I'm sorry- either buy them separately or settle for $1.50 off of a carton. Deal or no deal, Howie. This old turd got in my face and said that cashiers at my store have done it before for him and I'm going to do it for him tonight if I like it or not. "All the other cashiers do this for me every time I come in, it's been honored before, you WILL do it tonight with no exception!!!!" he said. Excuse me? I felt like I was being robbed... except he didn't have a gun (I don't think) and he didn't want all my cash. He just wanted me to use his damn coupons! He demanded me to call my manager to the front. Gladly! She comes up, I begin to tell her what the sitch is- he interrupts me and gets in her face, demanding! Her response? Same as mine... duh. Then he told us to call our store manager and "get him out of bed" so he could override us. I don't think so! Who do you think you are pops? I have never felt SO threatened by an elderly man in my entire life. Before he left, he told us that his wife spends $200 a week in our store (for an elderly couple... highly doubtful) and that we have just lost ALL of their business. To be quite honest, I have never seen that man in my life. I have no idea who his wife is?! And lastly, I don't care if you spend $1,000 in my store a week- I still never want to see you again! You scared little grocery girl! Go pick on somebody your own size... jerk! He asked what my CSM's name was, so I took it upon myself to write down her name on a piece of paper for him. He lost the battle and guess what?... He's gonna lose the war too! I mean, what's he gonna do? Call corporate and complain? "Uh yes, your store in Small Town, USA was following your coupon policy and wouldn't scan my coupons that would have put your company in a debt of $4.50 for my satisfaction." Haha, sorry pee-paw! Can't WAIT to see you again :-/  (or not).

So, folks... I beg of you. If you're going to coupon, please do your homework. Research each individual store's coupon policy, research what is "coupon legal" and what is "coupon fraud." And most importantly- be niiiiiiice to your little grocery girl. She isn't picking on you by not taking your coupons. She could just lose her job if she deducts money off of your transaction fraudulently via coupons. It's nothing personal... we just like having a job!
 

Holy Caca (part 2)

So, I got the job. I broke the news to my current CSM and store manager. They were upset because I was leaving, but extremely supportive! Honestly, if it weren't for them being so encouraging- I wouldn't have taken the risk I did. In all actuality, it really wasn't a risk at all. My managers told me that if I didn't like it, they'd take me back any day. I had absolutely nothing to lose!

I worked my last 2 weeks at my store, took a week (paid) off and went to the beach with my boyfriend and friends, and came back home to a brand new reality. I wasn't so much nervous as I was anxious. I had been informed that this new store is a lot different than my old store... come to find out, different means foreign country in grocery term. Everything they did was completely different than the routine I was use to. The only thing that made me feel at home was the fact that they had the same computer system... other than that- nothin'. I didn't even feel like I was working for the same company anymore.

All of the things I learned NOT to do at work- they did. For example- at my store, an 8 hour shift means an hour lunch and 2 ten minute breaks. At this new store- an 8 hour shift means an 8 hour shift. They didn't hardly take lunches and they certainly didn't take many breaks. I made it clear that if they want me to be a pleasant person at work, I need breaks and lunches. I need time away from the atmosphere to refresh myself in those 8 hours.
I felt as if I were in a foreign country, learning a new language. I don't like change like this. I don't really want to mention 99% of the things I saw/experienced there because, well, none of it was standard practice really. What I will say is that I was completely and utterly miserable for the entire duration I was there. 90% of the cashiers/baggers had to be monitored at all times... simply because no one has ever taught them the proper things they need to know. What was especially hard, though, was that I had no introduction to the store. For all they knew, I was just a cashier/office assistant (I was actually their manager). On top of all the other crap that got on my nerves, I didn't feel welcome at all by the front end. There were some people there that were awesome and that I really miss. Oddly enough, most of the only people that I liked there had all worked for my old store manager in the past. They were taught how to do things the right way (old school).
After about a week and a half of all the torture (and crying my eyes out) I could stand, I finally told the CSM that I wasn't comfortable at that store at all and that I wanted to go back to my old store. Go back down to part time, back to part time benefits, but most importantly- back to my family. Oh yeah- did I mention that throughout this "promotion" I didn't get a raise at all? That was really one of the only reasons that I moved. I knew that I wouldn't get a big raise (due to cut backs) but I still knew that I deserved some kind of raise. Technically, I was required some kind of raise but still didn't get it. Whatev. The lesson here is: the grass is NOT always greener on the other side. I'd rather work for FREE than go back to that store again! I didn't care if I was going back down to part-time... get me the heck outta here!

Of course, after it was made public knowledge that I was miserable, I called my old store and they told me to come back whenever I wanted to. I only wish it was that easy. I had to suffer through another 2 WEEKS at that store before I could go back. Well, I didn't HAVE to... but they asked me to, so I did (the good person in me comes out every once in awhile). Ugh, I regretted giving in after like, the second day I told them I was leaving.

So, here I am. Back at my old (wonderful) store again! I'll have to admit- one of the few things that got me through was THIS SONG. As corny as it is, I love music and it encouraged me to do what I wanted to do. I'm sensitive, okay? Haters gon' hate.

June-Oct Coverage (Holy Caca)

Okay... I'd like to start by saying I'm super sorry for neglecting my blog for so long. It'll never happen again! I need this therapy.

Backing up to sometime in July-ish?I was proposed with, what would have been, a huge opportunity in my life. In my company, with the economy sucking the way it does right now, it is extremely hard for any of us to promote up to full-time or management position. When the opportunity strikes- it's a battlefield. Sink or swim. Here's my story:
I caught wind at my store that the assistant customer service manager at a store a few miles away had been fired. It wasn't MY store, with MY friends and MY people that I've been surrounding for the past 3&1/2 years. That really turned me off at first. What turned me on? Full-time pay and benefits. I didn't bid at first (a bid in grocery basically means to apply... to put yourself out there for interview). I wanted to wait it out and see what the story was behind the girl that was fired (she use to work with me, so I knew her and wanted to know her story). Well, I went out on a limb anyway and bid on it. The only reason I bid on it was because I was told that there was an office assistant at that store that was already lined up and being trained for that promotion position. "Why not?!" I thought. I'll bid... just to show that I'm trying, just in case something comes open at MY store (that I don't want to leave) so corporate will know I'm serious about promoting. That's why I bid. I bid for my future with the company. Not necessarily because I wanted this particular job so bad. My heart was not ready to leave my store.

To make a rather long story short, I got a call for an interview. I know the CSM, so the interview was very smooth. Short, but smooth. I went in the interview with NO intentions on getting the job... and I by no means tried my hardest! I was wearing holy jeans and rainbow flip flops. My hair was up in a skank roll and I had on a plain tee. I was 10 minutes late (if you know me, this is expected). I talked to the CSM like we were friends... not like she was my prospective boss. Anyway. Like I said- they had already trained someone that worked there to move up... my chances of getting this job were slim.

The next day, around 9pm,  I got a call from the CSM I interviewed with. She told me that I had blown her away... that she had never met an individual like me. I am rare, I am an asset, I am a team player... I am everything she has needed. She said that she picked me for the job. She picked me over the girl she had been training for weeks, the girl that has worked at that store for ELEVEN YEARS. And she picks me?? I pretended to be super excited... and tried to lie to myself that I really was. I knew I needed this promotion. If I was promoted to full-time, it would be so much easier for me to move up from there. She didn't ask me if I accepted the position or not... no choice was given. She told me I was picked and she wanted me and then we decided when I could start.

...to be continued, stay tuned! (it's worth it)

Dumb Crooks

In my life, B.G. (before grocery), I would have never thought about theft at a grocery store being an issue. Why would anyone need to steal food? If you're that hard up, go get food stamps- I'm sure you'd qualify. Anyway- some stories about dumb crooks to follow.



I've seen all sorts of theft. I've seen innocent theft, desperate theft, accidental theft, nasty theft, and dumb theft.

The innocent- When small children ask for candy, the parents say no, and they slip it in their pocket. Talk about a difficult situation there! I'm probably supposed to 'tattle' on the child but it's extremely an uncomfortable issue. "Excuse me sir, your child is a thief." (and a brat) I usually just give the child a stern 'you're in trouble' look while the parents aren't looking. That normally does it. I use to teach pre-school... I have the 'you're in trouble' look down.

The desperate- Empty or near empty miscellaneous items found around the store. I mean, when I see a box of tampons laying on a display of potato chips and only 1 tampon is missing... that is some desperate theft. I've seen a box of condoms, opened and missing only a couple from the box. Why not just take the whole box? If you're that desperate, it's probably a great idea for you to use condoms, though. You certainly don't need to reproduce.

The accidental- When customers come back in to the store to pay for something because it didn't show on their receipt that they paid for it. Which is great, leads me to believe there are still a few honest people left.

The nasty- Why do people cram grocery items in their clothes? Or worse, down their pants? If I even wanted to steal RAW meat, the last place I would store it would me down my pants. I guess the temperature on the grill kills most of the germs... but by the look of the thieves that do this, I wouldn't risk it. There is a woman who shops at my store that scoots around in a mart cart while she shops. Her method of stealing is shoving items underneath her butt while she's sitting on that cart. Not attractive to witness, especially because she usually wears triple XL tank tops with no bra and her saggy boobies hang out the armpit holes. The kind of side-boob action that NOBODY likes!

The dumb- This is my favorite crook story to tell, ever. On a normal summer afternoon, I was bagging groceries and walking around when, out of the corner of my eye, I see a man push out an entire overflowing buggy of items. I did a double take, stood there in shock for a few seconds... grabbed my male bagger and ran out the door (I wasn't going out there alone, people's crazy). We ran up the hill in the parking lot to catch him, as he is running too. He knows we are behind him, pulls up to a truck, hops in and leaves the buggy in the parking lot. All that work on his part for nothing. My co-worker and I pushed the buggy back into the store- feeling like the freakin' heroes of the day that we were. What was in the buggy, you ask? About $200-300 worth of meat department items, lots and lots of produce, 5-8 Digorno frozen pizzas, 5 cases of Bud Light (of course they couldn't get the cheap shit),  5 boxes of Franzia wine, and lots and lots of other misc. items. That thing was packed like a suit case! It definitely wasn't their first rodeo- they were professionals. If I described what he looked like, I would be describing half of the southern white male population. But I don't think I have seen him since...
Technically, once the product has left the store, I am not supposed to go after it (company policy). On the count of I could totally get shot, I reckon. But, I wasn't about to let a $500+ buggy slip right out the store like that! My district manager was visiting the store at that time, too! I wheeled the buggy up to my boss and the DM and said "I just retrieved this from a crook in the parking lot... I need a raise."

(and just for the record, I didn't get a raise)

Men vs. Women

A man walks in, grabs a basket, collects 5-7 necessities and heads to the check-out. His form of payment is usually very simple... either cash with exact change, credit, or debit. He doesn't want a receipt, but most of the time he won't tell you- he'll just take it and dump it wherever. Next thing you know, he's out the door before you can even say "thank you!"

A woman walks in, grabs a buggy, prints out coupons at the self-serve kiosk, observes the coupons, stops to get a weekly circular, grabs a wipe to sanitize the entire buggy, and begins her journey. First stop is produce, checking every single tomato until she finds the one she wants. Carefully placing the bananas in the buggy, because the ones she picked are PERFECT. She shops the store in order, aisle 1-14, up and down. She neatly organizes perishables, non-perishables, meat, produce, and squishables in her buggy. Oh, and all of the meat is separated in individual clear baggies with paper towels in them as well. She gets to the check-out line, has a few words with the cashier, something like- "I know I've got my store card but I'm driving my husband's car today and he doesn't have one on his keys... (digs through purse for 2 minutes)" or "Can you bag my colds with the colds and cans with the cans and produce with the produce please?"  (Do I look like someone who would put a can on top of bread?!) Finally, all of her items are on the belt- ready to go! BUT WAIT! She has coupons... that she has misplaced. She digs, and digs for them. The coupons surface, now we can start scanning! I tell her the total... "but, did you scan all of my coupons?" Umm, you just witnessed the whole thing, live and up close. She argues with the cashier for 5 minutes about the price because it is just not right. Finally the cashier convinces her that it is right, she begins to pay. She pays with a check (because it takes the longest amount of time... duh). She asks if she needs to fill out the check, cashier explains that it is not necessary because she will be giving the check back to her. She says she will fill out the check anyway because she has already started... 2 minutes later, the check is being processed. She signs the slip- takes the receipt. She studies the receipt for (what seems like) hours until she leaves. She needs help out to her car. She is full of drama. She is a woman.


Need I say more?!

Shirts and Shoes Required!

Do you think anyone actually reads that sign?
NO... they don't! And might I add that it is ALWAYS the ones that you don't want to see without a shirt on! It's not like a hottie with a body is going to walk in the store half naked. We get the fatties who are daddies. Not that there is anything wrong with being fat and a dad- but cover it up in public please! A family came in last night, the dad AND son were shirtless. Way to set an example dad, geez. Also, I see more and more kids with no shoes on in my store! I will admit, from time to time if I'm in the office doing work or standing at a register, I will take my shoes off for a short period of time. There is no excuse for a small, young child to be barefooted in a grocery store. We've found needles (either diabetes related or drug related) in our parking lot before... your child steps on that and gets AIDS or hepatitis=NOT my problem.

Moving right along...

Tonight my boyfriend's family had a 20th anniversary extravaganza for their local Chevy dealership. I saw a hand-full of my grocery store customers... people who only see me in my work clothes. It is so strange to me that people don't recognize me sometimes without my work clothes on. I do own normal clothes, you know! I see you every.single.day of the week... It's meeeee, ya little grocery girl! They act like it's as if they are seeing a fish out of water! They might double-take, squint, or even over look! I don't ever speak first, unless I know them on a more personal basis (like a GOOD regular). I mean, what am I supposed to say?! "Hey... you probably don't even know my name, but I see you everyday at the grocery store I work at. You know... you always buy Banquet meals and Coors Light, pay with a debit and never want your receipt..." They'd think I had lost my mind! So I just act like I don't recognize them most of the time. It's not mean, it's just awkward, okay?

A few updates

Peligro situation at work:
Today we had a CSM meeting at my store. Every customer service manager in the district was there today along with our district manager and his assistant. Our maintenance man was also there (due to the 4 work orders we've put in for our air conditioning in the past week). Around 3ish we get news that a sink has fallen in the women's bathroom. Thankfully, no one was hurt. A 'little' girl was simply just washing her hands as the sink collapsed. But before she washed her hands and the sink fell, she slipped in the bathroom and hit her head on the floor... talk about a series of unfortunate events. So, conveniently our good for nothing maintenance man was already there, so he attempted what he could. Followed by a couple plumbers... professionals. 

Another semi-funny grocery list I found sunday night.
White crackers (as oppose to black ones?)
Chips (from England?)
"Baby, go to the store and get me sum dem fancy chips from England and dem white crackers."

Moving on~ Someone called the store today and asked if there was a fitness gym beside the HWY 49 store. Ummm, I don't know, I don't work at the HWY 49 store. Strange. Google it!

Some of my co-workers and I discussed a few topics yesterday that definitely need to be covered via confessionsofagrocer.
The first one would be (drum roll), common sense. The belt at the register is moving when you walk up, you put your groceries on it, then hold your groceries back as the belt is still sliding because there is a customer in front of you- even if said groceries are the ONLY groceries on the belt. Clearly, I know they are yours if they are the only ones on the belt, you don't have to hoard them. And if I accidentally scan something of yours onto another person's order because you didn't use the divider bar, it's okay... these things can be fixed, don't have a panic attack. Also, ladies, please don't put your purses on the belt-in-motion and then get aggravated because it's moving.

I know it's hard, but we must remember to be considerate to our little grocery girl as well! Do you know how hard it is to pick up a hand fulla' coins on a register belt with no finger nails? I was holding my hand out for you to HAND me the change, don't dump it on the belt. Often I take my sweet little time picking it up just because the rudeness was not needed!

Another issue I have with money is... storage. I do not want to touch money sweaty and fresh from your bra, makes little grocery girl throw up in her mouth. Or, when people lick their fingers to sort out their money- EW! Or grab their MVP card out of their baby's mouth and then hand it to me... I don't like babies as it is, and I certainly don't want any of your baby's slobber germs. My motto for this would be: "couple wet wipes in case a bum try to touch me, EW" -Nicki Minaj

Lost and found

Jafar, from the Disney movie Aladdin, left his cane at my store. We had this cane in the office for weeks, not knowing what it doubled as... a Samurai sword. My produce manager stated "now THAT is worth a LOT of money" but I have no idea who would pay a pretty penny for this thing. That snake head is awful scary to me, I think it's the red eyes.

So, Jafar, if you happen to be driving by the store within the next couple days, please come by and get your cane. If not claimed, we plan to sell it to gypsies in exchange for their tears.

Strange and Unusual

A "regular" elderly customer brought this nifty little figurine in one day... and you KNOW I had to take a picture! He also explained to the Hispanic lady in line behind him exactly what was "in the joint" (which he called "dope" and spoke to her as if she was deaf rather than foreign).

This is a shot gunned beer, for those of you who didn't binge drink your way through college. An elderly lady wheeled in a buggy one morning, approached me and said "GET THAT OUTTA THA BOTTOM'A THERE!!" I had no idea what she was talking about, looked down and saw this laying in the buggy! Hilarious! Somebody straight up either A) broke open a case of this (high class) beer and quickly shotgunned while in the store or B) well there's really not a B, I guess A is the only option here. Now that I think about it, though, it really doesn't surprise me to see this in small town, USA. Every male in this town carries a pocket knife and every male in this town drinks beer. Pocket knife + beer = shot gun success. Although, most prefer PBR or Bud Ice. This little doosey was like a shot of Crown Royal to the consumer, I'm sure!

Shorties

Me: How are you doing today?
Customer: (silence)
...I can feel his eyes burning holes in my body.
Transaction is complete (1 case of natty light)
Me: Thanks have a good day.
Customer (in a deep raspy voice): You sure are purty.
Me: I look up at him, all 400 lbs of him, with my bangs all in my face,
sweaty and exhausted... and force "Thanks" out of my mouth.

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Me: Do you have your store card or phone number?
Customer: I don't have either... could I have your phone number?

Me: Um not today, but I have a card I can use, don't worry! ;)

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Customer: If you're happy and you know it your name is Ashley...
Me: My name is not Ashley.

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There's this crazy yankee lady who likes her groceries bagged in PAPER and THEN plastic, yes... paper, then plastic over the paper. Which is very difficult I might add! She screams at her children the whole shopping trip and is a cashier's worst nightmare!

Crazy yankee lady: Now I know you're new here, so I'm not that mad at you today... but I was sure you knew that I liked paper then plastic!! As she re-bags her order, throwing things around in rage.
Me: I glance down at my name tag, then glance back up at her, inferring I'm not just a cashier... Actually, I've been here forever but I'll make a mental note of it.

(And for the record... I didn't bag her groceries paper then plastic because I hadn't seen her in awhile and I was hoping she had changed her crazy mind! )

Another crazy yankee lady story-

She had just gotten done shopping (different trip than the one listed above), all relieved that we were rid of her for the week, then she comes back inside sobbing hysterically.
Crazy yankee lady: I NEED TO CALL THE POLICE! CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME?
Me: Casually... Yes what's the matter?
Crazy yankee lady: Clutching her 9-11 yr old daughter close to her... MY DAUGHTER ALMOST GOT RAN OVER BY A PSYCHOPATH IN YOUR PARKING LOT!
Me: Oh okay, the phone's right here, just press line 1 or 2 and dial 911.
... and I continue on with my life.

I'm sorry- as a parent, in a public parking lot, YOU are responsible for your child's safety. What am I supposed to do? Escort her out to her car to make sure her and her child don't get hit by a car? Last time I checked, I was a little grocery girl... not a cop! She's crazy and needs a thorazine drip! I look for her picture on the cover of "SLAMMER" from time to time...  (if you didn't know, SLAMMER is a little newspaper sold at gas stations with pictures and hilarious descriptions of recent, local, criminals!)

Crazy yankee lady might need her own post one day, that one wasn't such a shorty!
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Grand theft Bud Light-  I'm walking around, bagging, and watching the front end one weekday last summer. Out of the corner of my eye I see an elderly lady in sunglasses, holding on with the jaws of life to a case of bud light, walking toward the buggies/front door. I'm thinking "hmm maybe she's just getting a buggy to do more shopping..." because people do that! Nope, she walks right out the front door and I run after her. I get outside the door and in the fire lane I see an old beater car, a big black dog, her, and the bud light in her backseat. I give her a "what the hell do you think you're doing?" kind of look and hold up my arms in question?! 

She says: Oh, sorry! I just parked in the fire lane cause ma' dogs in the back! Points with her thumb to the dog. You have a nice day!
Speeds off...  I had never seen her before, and have not seen her since. She must be a gypsy.




Still standing,
MB

Found: horribly spelled grocery list

We find lists a lot... these are a couple of my faves.

It's all fun and games until...

Yesterday was probably one of the most interesting days I've had in the grocery business, ever. By interesting I mean disgusting, annoying, and down right dirty.


Just to give you a visual:
We just hired 2 MALE cashiers (we have never had boys before) and I was trying to keep a keen eye on their every move. Lord knows, a teenager handling money is scary. They will just grab bills out of the drawer and hand it to the customer without counting it back to them... EEEKK!
 
We were super busy, then died... so we let a few girls go except for 2 male cashiers, me, my CSM, a girl I was training in the office, and a bagger. Not to mention these 2 boys had never been on a register prior to yesterday, brand newbies! Even though they did really well, they are still slow as Christmas- searching for 10 seconds to find the barcodes and asking me what random produce items are called (i.e. celery, green onion, zucchini).

We started to get busy around 9:45pm (we close at 10pm). It's the first week of the month so you know what kind of orders we had... HUGE food stamp buggies! Filled to the rim with items like: canned meat, banquet frozen dinners, taquitos and ribeyes. I start to panic a little.

The drunks roll in... I'm assuming they are "family" and share a food stamp card (happens all the time), but they had like 2 mart carts and 3 other buggies filled with random garb. Annoying.

This random woman walks in the door right before 10 and asks me "since I'm already here now, can I still shop after you close?" I have no idea what gives people the right to think just because they are "in the door" before 10pm that we are going to wait on their ass to finish shopping. No. It doesn't work that way people. I told her we would give her til about 5 after 10, then she had to get the heck outta dodge. 10:20 rolls around and she's still in there, piddling through the yogurt section. We made an announcement and she came rolling up. She made me check on a price for her when she got to the check-out. When I got back, I notice a huge pile of unidentified liquid underneath her buggy and I screamed "WHERE DID ALL THIS LIQUID COME FROM?" No one says a word... "NO REALLY Y'ALL, THERE'S LIKE A LOT OF LIQUID DOWN HERE!"  My manager (who was bagging) gave me the sign to STFU and pointed to the lady's pants. By god if her pants weren't sopping wet. She wet herself in the check-out line. And didn't even act like she knew it happened! Not to mention she smelled (before she peed) and was completely a trademark of the town's finest backwoodsman. If she was old, I maybe would understand... maybe. But she wasn't old enough to give her the right of passage to pee herself in the grocery store. We had already mopped the floor, so the bagger had to get the mop machine and do it again.


The funniest part about this story is, when the cashier left his first day of work, he said "man I really don't like closing!"
Wonder if he'll come back for day 2?...

EDIT: He came back for day 2... life is good.

Summertime and the livin's... stinky.

So, as you all know, I like to complain. Well, I'd like to think of it more as RANTING! I rant and rave all. the. time. But guess what? I feel like I sort of have the right to do so... why? Because all day long, I get to hear about other people's problems and, even worse, FIX THEM! So here's my turn:

I'd like to let everyone know that we, just 2 days ago, posted a 'shirt and shoes required' sign up at work! Considering the town I work in, I'm very surprised this hasn't been done before now. It's almost like, in a town like this, "shirts and shoes required" should be posted on the sign that says "welcome to ____". Yeah, it's that bad.

Anyway, moving on. Not many interesting grocery store topics to cover lately :(  I need inspiration. Badly. Come one, come all!

Though, there are a few things I'd like to remind people: when 'the light' on the register is ON... do not ask if that person is open. When the light on the register is off... do not ask if that person is open. This should be obvious. On = open. Off = closed. Also, we were informed in the local news paper last week that the counterfeiters are 'in town', as if they ever leave town?! So we've been checking and marking bills extra carefully! Yes, of course, that involves more of the one liners ('it's real, I just made it this morning').

Another thing that has everyone in a frenzy is this new extreme couponing TV show on TLC. Good lord, when the show aired for the first time, I swear I had 5 calls the next morning asking if we doubled coupons. No. We do not! No, you can't stack them either! Hate to break it to ya soccer moms, but you need to be purchasing the RIGHT items that go along with these coupons as well. I'm not giving you $1 off cinnamon toast crunch when the coupon specifically states CHEX only! Cheaters!

Holidays and Backwoods Folk

Every holiday seems to bring out the backwoods folk. You know... those people that you never see in the grocery store until a big time of year is coming up? Christmas and Thanksgiving are notorious for bringing in the backwoods folk. Oh yeah, NASCAR sunday is too! Easter, I thought, would be one of those kind of holidays... it really kind of wasn't. Or maybe I just didn't notice?

I call them "backwoods" simply because I work in a little hick town. Not that my hometown and current city of residence is big city life or anything, but the breed is quite different.

Anyways. Today is Easter sunday and of course, I had to work. I am fine with it because I'm simply use to working on holidays and let me tell ya, it's quite interesting at times. Today was NOT that type of interesting holiday though. Nor was good friday or day before Easter. Nothing all that great happened and there are no crazies to speak of. A little taste of my weekend:
Friday- BAD friday. Poured rain, busy as crap (since everyone was off work), and one thing after another was happening... or should I say wasn't happening. Moving on.

Saturday- 3:00, I arrive at a peaceful, quiet little grocery store. Ahhhh... one of those days when you can actually hear the music instead of BEEP BEEP BEEP, the shuffling of plastic bags, and loud talkin' folk.
4:00, Still nothin'. I'm twiddling my thumbs trying to figure out what to do with all of these wide-eyed cashiers, who also have nothing to do.
5:00, What the hell? Did someone advertise free cube steak and PBR? Where did all of these people COME from?
7:00, All stressed out with no one to strangle. I'm babysitting, bagging, overriding, picking up money left and right, loaning money, sending western unions, printing lottery tickets... at this point, I hate my name because it's all I hear over the P.A. Oh and I'm answering the phones: "yes we're open. we close at 10. yes we are open easter sunday as well." Our last customer was around 10:15pm I believe (we closed at 10). Everyone left the store and the only company I had was my ramblin' boss and the 3 tills sitting in front of me that I really didn't want to count.

Sunday- Boring. No backwoods people to entertain me today! Except for 2 exceptionally lovely 30-something men with rebel flag and eagle tattoos, wearing wife beaters and silver chains, came in and raided our Easter baskets and chocolate bunnies. Oh, and beer aisle. And don't forget the Newport shorts in a box. Now that's backwoods!
We were pretty much dead all throughout the day. Some of the choices of purchase today made me chuckle though. I found a grocery list on the floor that stated exactly and I quote: Drain-o, ham, strawburries, hot chicken from deli, toothpaste- by 1 get 1 free.   Strange.

And y'all KNOW something got on my nerves, duh! This weekend it was the infamous "are y'all open on Easter?" Either that, or every other customer coming through saying "I bet you'd rather be somewhere else on this beautiful day!"  Yeah, ya think? Thanks for reminding me, bye now! I had a call from this man on saturday night and here's now it went: Man- "what time do you open tomorrow?" Me- "7am, as usual" Man- "On Easter??" Me- "Yes sir, open at 7 close at 10pm" Man- "Are you kidding?" Me- ".... we never close." Man- "Well I knew that!" I'm thinking... then why'd you call?! When I get old and grumpy, on holidays instead of having a life, I'm actually going to call every establishment in town just to get the facts and see who's open and closing at what time. This town is getting smaller and smaller by the day!

Barrel of Monkeys

Bagging groceries is a completely opinionated art. There is no right or wrong... but there is crazy!
I've learned, when bagging groceries, you must treat every one's groceries the way you would treat your own. Now that is the safest approach, but see, that doesn't always apply. Personally, I don't mind if bananas and grapes are bagged together. What's the harm? But I do NOT want my fresh market (meat) items with other perishables (dairy/bread).


Society is one huge barrel of monkeys... you reach into that big barrel and you really don't know what kind of monkey will come out! In other words- people's crazy. Some people want red meat in one bag, chicken in another bag, pork in another bag, bananas by themselves, grapes by themselves, chips by themselves, bread by themselves... come on people. Really?! Then when you think someone is going to FLIP out because you put a canned item with produce (because they have a small order and you had to choose whether to put that 1 can with produce or with fresh meat) they tell you to bag it all together. Alltogethersaywhat? You want your RAW chicken with your green onion, cabbage, squash AND can of green beans? Fine by me, but odd.


Then the next person you get in line is completely different. A monkey of a different color. Awhile back I had a customer who brought me to tears just because I bagged her bread on top of her bananas. I repeat, bread was on TOP. Worried about the bread, you ask? NO! Worried about the bananas! I wasn't aware that BREAD squished bananas? "You are doing this all wrong, bananas go COMPLETELY by themselves, they may get bruised otherwise!!!!" she screamed. Right before she freaked out on me I was saying goodbye to another customer, a regular I see daily, and she said "if you weren't too busy talking to your little FRIEND you would be doing this the right way!" Little friend? He's 60 years old! Not to mention she wanted paper bags, why the heck would I bag bananas by themselves in a huge paper bag? Actually, I take it back. To her, I'm sure there are countless reasons why it is logical to bag bananas in a huge paper bag by themselves. Silly me! Bottom line- we were busy as hell and she embarrassed me in front of the whole store! RUDE!

Oh and I just love people who think they can cram 10+ boxes along with glass items into one plastic bag. They don't want me to use all of 3 bags for their order so they do it their way. I make bets with myself on how long that bag will make it before it gives. Had you listened to your little grocery girl you wouldn't have busted spaghetti sauce on your new shoes, now would you? Then again, you're the brains here, not me...


There are a few one-liners that go along with bagging:
Me- would you like me to bag your drinks? (referring to 6pk cocacola bottles)
Customer- yes, it makes them easier to carry!
...Well of course it makes them easier to carry, silly! That's why THE BAG was thought of, created, and used daily! It's a yes or no answer!

Me- would you like this double bagged?
Customer- yes, so it won't bust through the bottom!
... Thank you captain obvious! Yes or no, that's it!


Another pet peeve (imagine that) would be those bagging-shadowers! People who hover over your every move to make sure you're "doing it right". I am glad to let people bag their own groceries if they prefer, but these kind of people never seem to want to. They just want to stand back and regulate. Like I'm supposed to have a clue what "right" is to them anyway?! If I was a mind reader I wouldn't be your little grocery girl... I'd be your rich psychic! Now skidaddle!

The Enjoyable Customer

Yes, there IS such a thing!

I write about the annoying and insane all the time, so... why not write about the good ones, too? All of our customers are appreciated, although not all of them are gleaming rays of sunshine. We have so many customers that I truly enjoy seeing on a weekly, sometimes daily, basis. It is a small town, but it is not where I grew up. So, there are a lot of people that I know only from working at the local grocery store. I know what they purchase, most of their names, and almost all of their life stories. There is always something to talk about in the grocery line with these type of customers, "regulars." And I like that because I like to talk (obviously).

I don't want people who read this to think that I hate working in customer service, because I absolutely don't. I actually, kinda, love it! I love what I do and the people I work with. I love that every day is a different experience for me. And I like to make people happy and solve problems for them! What I don't like is simple... I don't like customers who are rude, disrespectful, and act ignorant for no reason. I am a pleasant person, I give customers absolutely no reason to be ugly to me. Anyway...

When I am out in public as a consumer, I always ask cashiers or retail associates how they are doing, how their day is going, small-talk stuff like that. I've found that you can easily pick out the ones who hate working with the public, and I hate that! Why work in retail if you don't like talking to people? At least get a customer service job answering phones so people can't see the miserable look on your face, jeez.

My advice: be nice to your little grocery girl. She might be your boss one day, you just never know!

Pet Peeves

Here is a long list of mine:

Me: "Hey, how are you doing today?"
Customer: "Marlboro lights in a box"
Me: (Annoyingly make my way to retrieve)
What I really want to say: "Really? That's how you are doing today? I have never described my mood as 'Marlboro lights in a box'. If my mood could be described as a particular cigarette it would be 'CARTON of Marlboro lights in a box' because that's what I need when dealing with people like you all day!"  (Whew, that felt good)


Here's the setting- I'm scanning groceries, busy and focused obviously. The customer is standing in front of me holding their MVP card on a massive key chain in front of my face. Just dangling it there. Waiting for me to stop what I'm doing, acknowledge them, and scan it. Guess what? I wait until I'm done, since you're RUDELY dangling your keys in front of my face!

Another one, RUDE- I'm trying to bag groceries, for the customer, as fast as I can. The customer is just standing there, impatiently holding their money out for me to take it. I want to stop and say... "do you want to bag these yourself? If you're in such a hurry, bag your own groceries while I take the money you're shoving in my face!"

Lazy children. This really fires me up. Example: a mother comes through the check-out line with a buggy full of groceries. There are 3 middle-school aged boys with her. Guess who unloads the buggy? The mother. Guess who bags the groceries? Me... or the mother... or both... or if we're lucky, a bag boy. Guess who loads the groceries in the buggy?... I think you get the picture. Stop joshin' around and do something! The mother also needs to get a clue and make her slug children lift their fingers a little! There is NO reason any child over the age of 6 years old cannot bag groceries. Unless they don't have arms.
My advice: teach your children how to be useful at a young age, or they may never be useful their whole lives.

One liners- People must think they are the only ones that come up with these stupid one liners that we hear 100+ times a day! They look at me like I'm supposed to die laughing, too. A few off the top of my head are: "it's real, I just made it yesterday" (referring to me marking their $100 bill), "I bet I couldn't do that again if I tried!" (referring to the total being an even $20.00), "you knew exactly how much I had" (referring to them having 'just enough' cash for their total bill). So then I feel like I have to fake laugh, something I'm not good at. I usually just reply with a smile and a "have a good day", whatev.

Me: "How are you doing today?"
Customer: "3364985415"
Me: (types in phone number in replace of MVP card)
They are lucky I know what they mean by this rude and random chant of numbers.
What I'd like to say: "I'm fine, thanks for asking!" :)

Another thing that really gets on my nerves is when a customer calls out the price of every item I'm about to scan. I want to say "yeah, you wish!" Either that, or them handing me something and saying "this is buy one get one free, right?" Then having to explain to them that I need their MVP card for the sale price to show up... as they have an aneurysm because it's showing the full price on the screen. Chill people, chill.

Quickie

One of my favorites-

This 70-something male customer (frequent shopper, I see him often) came up to the office desk one day for a lottery ticket. I don't know his name, don't know any details about regularly purchased items of his, basically this story is so funny because this is such a bland customer. He is very, very quiet and kept to himself. Anyway, back to the story. He comes up to the desk and asks me for a Cash5 for that night. I'm in the process of printing the ticket, ringing him up... throughout the whole transaction he doesn't say anything other than "Cash5". At the time, I had this barbie key chain (as shown above). Except the head of my poor barbie had fallen off, but the body still remained on my keys for days because I just couldn't part! My keys were in the office cash register, right where this little old man could see. As I was handing him his ticket and thanking him, he pointed at my headless barbie and mumbled "she wasn't listening to you, was she?"

... yeah that's the end of it. Maybe I just found it amusing that, of all the things he and I could have talked about, he chose my headless barbie. He is now one of my favorites because I underestimated his ability to stand out!

It Takes All Kinds

As I mentioned in 'The Man in the Fish Hat', it takes all kinds of people to make up this world we live in. Working at the grocery store, I see every single kind of person.

The frantic and frazzled woman who is so rushed and stressed that it stresses ME out! The man who doesn't speak at all throughout the whole transaction except to tell me he forgot his MVP card at home (everyday). The cell phone diva that acts like a celebrity and when I ask for her MVP card she looks at me as if I am interrupting her important conversation. The abusive mother who's child is terrified to even look at the candy rack because the whole entire store heard her screaming from the dairy aisle. The frail old lady purchasing a case of Natty Light and a tall can of Railroad Mills snuff. The alcoholic young woman who never wants her receipt (evidence, duh!). The  s  l  o  w  customer and the in-and-out customer. The basket case lady who, as soon as she walks in the door, you KNOW is returning something for whatever reason (and what do you know, she has misplaced her receipt... again!). The customer that digs and digs and digs in her pocketbook for at least 5 minutes when, I KNOW, she doesn't have her MVP card (I don't even think she owns one, but she claims it is "somewhere").

I better start a whole new paragraph to describe this one:

The middle-aged lady who always wears a fleece, leopard print, floor length cloak and apologizes every 5 seconds for whatever reason: taking too long to load her groceries onto the belt, reluctant to find her MVP card but has found it after you scan yours for her, got $20 cash back but wants you to break up her bill after you've already closed the drawer. I know the most odd things about this woman. For example, her father collects pennies and she always wants to trade me a dime for 10 pennies. She calls the store at LEAST once a week to speak to my boss. I transfer the call to him anyway when I am certain he will always transfer it back to me to answer whatever question she has come up with. She needed 20 large boxes a couple weeks ago because she hired 3 men to come and paint her guest room (she needed the boxes for storage, I reckon). I haven't seen her yet this week, wonder what she's up to?!
Wow... excuse me while I go look for a life!

The Man in the Fish Hat

I have to constantly remind myself that it takes all kinds of people to make up this world. The man in the fish hat is a rare breed! I believe he is a yankee but I'm not about to strike up a conversation with him to find out. He graces my store with his presence every week, sometimes in multiple trips. My co-workers and I see him pull up in his van and we know to emotionally prepare ourselves for what is about to go down. 

Just to give you a visual- The man in the fish hat is an older fella, probably in his 60's I'd say. He is awfully hairy, his face is hairy, his head is scraggly hairy...ugh. He looks like he smells, but I haven't gotten close enough to sniff. He is on crutches (I have no idea if it is an injury or if he opted for crutches instead of a walker... strange). He is always, always, always wearing a blue hat with neon colored fish all over it. Never fails! Real tacky- reminds me of something Bernie from Weekend at Bernie's would wear. Did I mention he is the rudest person I have ever met? And LOUD! 

Lovely, I know. Okay, here is his grocery store routine. He hobbles through the automatic sliding doors and heads straight for the Mart Cart (you know... that little motorized, hoveround type thing). He plops his crutches in the basket and off he goes. At this point, my eyes are rolling so far into the back of my head. Time goes by and he is done shopping, headed for the check-out line. Conveniently, he ALWAYS has to belch while paying for his groceries. Conveniently! Every single time, never fails, just when you think he's not going to do it, he does it! It is so nasty of a burp, I can almost taste it. I feel the chunks rising in my throat as I place his bags in the mobilized cart. It's not a subtle burp either... it is very loud and gurg-ly! "One day I'll say something to him... one day!!" I say to myself. When that day comes I'm sure it'll be worth writing about!

Where do I start?

So basically...

I know everyone knows what a grocery store is and it's purpose to society. We get it. The company buys thousands of products from vendors and sells those products to the consumer for a REASONABLE cost to make enough profit to keep the lights on and the business alive. Yes, I did say reasonable and did I mention business?

Which brings me to my first rant~ COST. Please remember... this is a business, not a charity. I'm sure my banner would be tickled pink to give away groceries everyday but they have bills to pay too. Grocery prices rise and fall just like gas prices. It is not necessary to try and negotiate your way through the check-out line people! No need to nag about how high the prices are to your 17-year-old cashier who blows her paycheck at American Eagle every other week. We all have to buy groceries, just be smarter about the way you shop! MVP card helps, I create my whole shopping list based on the weekly circular. Use coupons (but don't get crazy!). Bottom line- your opinion on cost is irrelevant.

Another topic I'd like to address today is The EBT Card (aka food stamps):
Writer's note- I am not against the concept of government assistance to purchase food for yourself and your family. I am not heartless. I am only against those who abuse this privilege.
I wonder if the American government ever feels like a big fat dummy? Certainly it is logical to provide financial assistance to those in need. Did it ever occur to anyone that perhaps maybe this system should be regulated? Maybe, just maybe, margarita and bloody mary mix should not be covered by food stamps (yeah, it really does pay for that). Also, I wonder if these people would really purchase crab legs and steaks on a weekly basis if they paid for it out of their pocket? I can't tell you the last time I bought a $30 bag of crab legs... or any time I bought a $30 bag of crab legs. Maybe I'm so bitter because I see people, daily, who run out of food stamp money in the check-out line and put back edible items so they can purchase better things with their cash... like beer! My opinion (like it matters, I know) is very simple- regulate what people can purchase with food stamps! Want to help prevent obesity in children? Don't provide people with a little card that pays for Oreos, Cocacola, and all the frozen pizzas they can get! If junk was a bare necessity to survival, trust me, they'd find a way to pay for it just like they do with Colt 45 and Marlboro reds! Bottom line- Wake up government (and tax payers), you're being played like a freakin' fiddle.

Again, just my opinion. No biggie!