Pet Peeves

Here is a long list of mine:

Me: "Hey, how are you doing today?"
Customer: "Marlboro lights in a box"
Me: (Annoyingly make my way to retrieve)
What I really want to say: "Really? That's how you are doing today? I have never described my mood as 'Marlboro lights in a box'. If my mood could be described as a particular cigarette it would be 'CARTON of Marlboro lights in a box' because that's what I need when dealing with people like you all day!"  (Whew, that felt good)


Here's the setting- I'm scanning groceries, busy and focused obviously. The customer is standing in front of me holding their MVP card on a massive key chain in front of my face. Just dangling it there. Waiting for me to stop what I'm doing, acknowledge them, and scan it. Guess what? I wait until I'm done, since you're RUDELY dangling your keys in front of my face!

Another one, RUDE- I'm trying to bag groceries, for the customer, as fast as I can. The customer is just standing there, impatiently holding their money out for me to take it. I want to stop and say... "do you want to bag these yourself? If you're in such a hurry, bag your own groceries while I take the money you're shoving in my face!"

Lazy children. This really fires me up. Example: a mother comes through the check-out line with a buggy full of groceries. There are 3 middle-school aged boys with her. Guess who unloads the buggy? The mother. Guess who bags the groceries? Me... or the mother... or both... or if we're lucky, a bag boy. Guess who loads the groceries in the buggy?... I think you get the picture. Stop joshin' around and do something! The mother also needs to get a clue and make her slug children lift their fingers a little! There is NO reason any child over the age of 6 years old cannot bag groceries. Unless they don't have arms.
My advice: teach your children how to be useful at a young age, or they may never be useful their whole lives.

One liners- People must think they are the only ones that come up with these stupid one liners that we hear 100+ times a day! They look at me like I'm supposed to die laughing, too. A few off the top of my head are: "it's real, I just made it yesterday" (referring to me marking their $100 bill), "I bet I couldn't do that again if I tried!" (referring to the total being an even $20.00), "you knew exactly how much I had" (referring to them having 'just enough' cash for their total bill). So then I feel like I have to fake laugh, something I'm not good at. I usually just reply with a smile and a "have a good day", whatev.

Me: "How are you doing today?"
Customer: "3364985415"
Me: (types in phone number in replace of MVP card)
They are lucky I know what they mean by this rude and random chant of numbers.
What I'd like to say: "I'm fine, thanks for asking!" :)

Another thing that really gets on my nerves is when a customer calls out the price of every item I'm about to scan. I want to say "yeah, you wish!" Either that, or them handing me something and saying "this is buy one get one free, right?" Then having to explain to them that I need their MVP card for the sale price to show up... as they have an aneurysm because it's showing the full price on the screen. Chill people, chill.