Summertime and the livin's... stinky.

So, as you all know, I like to complain. Well, I'd like to think of it more as RANTING! I rant and rave all. the. time. But guess what? I feel like I sort of have the right to do so... why? Because all day long, I get to hear about other people's problems and, even worse, FIX THEM! So here's my turn:

I'd like to let everyone know that we, just 2 days ago, posted a 'shirt and shoes required' sign up at work! Considering the town I work in, I'm very surprised this hasn't been done before now. It's almost like, in a town like this, "shirts and shoes required" should be posted on the sign that says "welcome to ____". Yeah, it's that bad.

Anyway, moving on. Not many interesting grocery store topics to cover lately :(  I need inspiration. Badly. Come one, come all!

Though, there are a few things I'd like to remind people: when 'the light' on the register is ON... do not ask if that person is open. When the light on the register is off... do not ask if that person is open. This should be obvious. On = open. Off = closed. Also, we were informed in the local news paper last week that the counterfeiters are 'in town', as if they ever leave town?! So we've been checking and marking bills extra carefully! Yes, of course, that involves more of the one liners ('it's real, I just made it this morning').

Another thing that has everyone in a frenzy is this new extreme couponing TV show on TLC. Good lord, when the show aired for the first time, I swear I had 5 calls the next morning asking if we doubled coupons. No. We do not! No, you can't stack them either! Hate to break it to ya soccer moms, but you need to be purchasing the RIGHT items that go along with these coupons as well. I'm not giving you $1 off cinnamon toast crunch when the coupon specifically states CHEX only! Cheaters!

Holidays and Backwoods Folk

Every holiday seems to bring out the backwoods folk. You know... those people that you never see in the grocery store until a big time of year is coming up? Christmas and Thanksgiving are notorious for bringing in the backwoods folk. Oh yeah, NASCAR sunday is too! Easter, I thought, would be one of those kind of holidays... it really kind of wasn't. Or maybe I just didn't notice?

I call them "backwoods" simply because I work in a little hick town. Not that my hometown and current city of residence is big city life or anything, but the breed is quite different.

Anyways. Today is Easter sunday and of course, I had to work. I am fine with it because I'm simply use to working on holidays and let me tell ya, it's quite interesting at times. Today was NOT that type of interesting holiday though. Nor was good friday or day before Easter. Nothing all that great happened and there are no crazies to speak of. A little taste of my weekend:
Friday- BAD friday. Poured rain, busy as crap (since everyone was off work), and one thing after another was happening... or should I say wasn't happening. Moving on.

Saturday- 3:00, I arrive at a peaceful, quiet little grocery store. Ahhhh... one of those days when you can actually hear the music instead of BEEP BEEP BEEP, the shuffling of plastic bags, and loud talkin' folk.
4:00, Still nothin'. I'm twiddling my thumbs trying to figure out what to do with all of these wide-eyed cashiers, who also have nothing to do.
5:00, What the hell? Did someone advertise free cube steak and PBR? Where did all of these people COME from?
7:00, All stressed out with no one to strangle. I'm babysitting, bagging, overriding, picking up money left and right, loaning money, sending western unions, printing lottery tickets... at this point, I hate my name because it's all I hear over the P.A. Oh and I'm answering the phones: "yes we're open. we close at 10. yes we are open easter sunday as well." Our last customer was around 10:15pm I believe (we closed at 10). Everyone left the store and the only company I had was my ramblin' boss and the 3 tills sitting in front of me that I really didn't want to count.

Sunday- Boring. No backwoods people to entertain me today! Except for 2 exceptionally lovely 30-something men with rebel flag and eagle tattoos, wearing wife beaters and silver chains, came in and raided our Easter baskets and chocolate bunnies. Oh, and beer aisle. And don't forget the Newport shorts in a box. Now that's backwoods!
We were pretty much dead all throughout the day. Some of the choices of purchase today made me chuckle though. I found a grocery list on the floor that stated exactly and I quote: Drain-o, ham, strawburries, hot chicken from deli, toothpaste- by 1 get 1 free.   Strange.

And y'all KNOW something got on my nerves, duh! This weekend it was the infamous "are y'all open on Easter?" Either that, or every other customer coming through saying "I bet you'd rather be somewhere else on this beautiful day!"  Yeah, ya think? Thanks for reminding me, bye now! I had a call from this man on saturday night and here's now it went: Man- "what time do you open tomorrow?" Me- "7am, as usual" Man- "On Easter??" Me- "Yes sir, open at 7 close at 10pm" Man- "Are you kidding?" Me- ".... we never close." Man- "Well I knew that!" I'm thinking... then why'd you call?! When I get old and grumpy, on holidays instead of having a life, I'm actually going to call every establishment in town just to get the facts and see who's open and closing at what time. This town is getting smaller and smaller by the day!

Barrel of Monkeys

Bagging groceries is a completely opinionated art. There is no right or wrong... but there is crazy!
I've learned, when bagging groceries, you must treat every one's groceries the way you would treat your own. Now that is the safest approach, but see, that doesn't always apply. Personally, I don't mind if bananas and grapes are bagged together. What's the harm? But I do NOT want my fresh market (meat) items with other perishables (dairy/bread).


Society is one huge barrel of monkeys... you reach into that big barrel and you really don't know what kind of monkey will come out! In other words- people's crazy. Some people want red meat in one bag, chicken in another bag, pork in another bag, bananas by themselves, grapes by themselves, chips by themselves, bread by themselves... come on people. Really?! Then when you think someone is going to FLIP out because you put a canned item with produce (because they have a small order and you had to choose whether to put that 1 can with produce or with fresh meat) they tell you to bag it all together. Alltogethersaywhat? You want your RAW chicken with your green onion, cabbage, squash AND can of green beans? Fine by me, but odd.


Then the next person you get in line is completely different. A monkey of a different color. Awhile back I had a customer who brought me to tears just because I bagged her bread on top of her bananas. I repeat, bread was on TOP. Worried about the bread, you ask? NO! Worried about the bananas! I wasn't aware that BREAD squished bananas? "You are doing this all wrong, bananas go COMPLETELY by themselves, they may get bruised otherwise!!!!" she screamed. Right before she freaked out on me I was saying goodbye to another customer, a regular I see daily, and she said "if you weren't too busy talking to your little FRIEND you would be doing this the right way!" Little friend? He's 60 years old! Not to mention she wanted paper bags, why the heck would I bag bananas by themselves in a huge paper bag? Actually, I take it back. To her, I'm sure there are countless reasons why it is logical to bag bananas in a huge paper bag by themselves. Silly me! Bottom line- we were busy as hell and she embarrassed me in front of the whole store! RUDE!

Oh and I just love people who think they can cram 10+ boxes along with glass items into one plastic bag. They don't want me to use all of 3 bags for their order so they do it their way. I make bets with myself on how long that bag will make it before it gives. Had you listened to your little grocery girl you wouldn't have busted spaghetti sauce on your new shoes, now would you? Then again, you're the brains here, not me...


There are a few one-liners that go along with bagging:
Me- would you like me to bag your drinks? (referring to 6pk cocacola bottles)
Customer- yes, it makes them easier to carry!
...Well of course it makes them easier to carry, silly! That's why THE BAG was thought of, created, and used daily! It's a yes or no answer!

Me- would you like this double bagged?
Customer- yes, so it won't bust through the bottom!
... Thank you captain obvious! Yes or no, that's it!


Another pet peeve (imagine that) would be those bagging-shadowers! People who hover over your every move to make sure you're "doing it right". I am glad to let people bag their own groceries if they prefer, but these kind of people never seem to want to. They just want to stand back and regulate. Like I'm supposed to have a clue what "right" is to them anyway?! If I was a mind reader I wouldn't be your little grocery girl... I'd be your rich psychic! Now skidaddle!

The Enjoyable Customer

Yes, there IS such a thing!

I write about the annoying and insane all the time, so... why not write about the good ones, too? All of our customers are appreciated, although not all of them are gleaming rays of sunshine. We have so many customers that I truly enjoy seeing on a weekly, sometimes daily, basis. It is a small town, but it is not where I grew up. So, there are a lot of people that I know only from working at the local grocery store. I know what they purchase, most of their names, and almost all of their life stories. There is always something to talk about in the grocery line with these type of customers, "regulars." And I like that because I like to talk (obviously).

I don't want people who read this to think that I hate working in customer service, because I absolutely don't. I actually, kinda, love it! I love what I do and the people I work with. I love that every day is a different experience for me. And I like to make people happy and solve problems for them! What I don't like is simple... I don't like customers who are rude, disrespectful, and act ignorant for no reason. I am a pleasant person, I give customers absolutely no reason to be ugly to me. Anyway...

When I am out in public as a consumer, I always ask cashiers or retail associates how they are doing, how their day is going, small-talk stuff like that. I've found that you can easily pick out the ones who hate working with the public, and I hate that! Why work in retail if you don't like talking to people? At least get a customer service job answering phones so people can't see the miserable look on your face, jeez.

My advice: be nice to your little grocery girl. She might be your boss one day, you just never know!

Pet Peeves

Here is a long list of mine:

Me: "Hey, how are you doing today?"
Customer: "Marlboro lights in a box"
Me: (Annoyingly make my way to retrieve)
What I really want to say: "Really? That's how you are doing today? I have never described my mood as 'Marlboro lights in a box'. If my mood could be described as a particular cigarette it would be 'CARTON of Marlboro lights in a box' because that's what I need when dealing with people like you all day!"  (Whew, that felt good)


Here's the setting- I'm scanning groceries, busy and focused obviously. The customer is standing in front of me holding their MVP card on a massive key chain in front of my face. Just dangling it there. Waiting for me to stop what I'm doing, acknowledge them, and scan it. Guess what? I wait until I'm done, since you're RUDELY dangling your keys in front of my face!

Another one, RUDE- I'm trying to bag groceries, for the customer, as fast as I can. The customer is just standing there, impatiently holding their money out for me to take it. I want to stop and say... "do you want to bag these yourself? If you're in such a hurry, bag your own groceries while I take the money you're shoving in my face!"

Lazy children. This really fires me up. Example: a mother comes through the check-out line with a buggy full of groceries. There are 3 middle-school aged boys with her. Guess who unloads the buggy? The mother. Guess who bags the groceries? Me... or the mother... or both... or if we're lucky, a bag boy. Guess who loads the groceries in the buggy?... I think you get the picture. Stop joshin' around and do something! The mother also needs to get a clue and make her slug children lift their fingers a little! There is NO reason any child over the age of 6 years old cannot bag groceries. Unless they don't have arms.
My advice: teach your children how to be useful at a young age, or they may never be useful their whole lives.

One liners- People must think they are the only ones that come up with these stupid one liners that we hear 100+ times a day! They look at me like I'm supposed to die laughing, too. A few off the top of my head are: "it's real, I just made it yesterday" (referring to me marking their $100 bill), "I bet I couldn't do that again if I tried!" (referring to the total being an even $20.00), "you knew exactly how much I had" (referring to them having 'just enough' cash for their total bill). So then I feel like I have to fake laugh, something I'm not good at. I usually just reply with a smile and a "have a good day", whatev.

Me: "How are you doing today?"
Customer: "3364985415"
Me: (types in phone number in replace of MVP card)
They are lucky I know what they mean by this rude and random chant of numbers.
What I'd like to say: "I'm fine, thanks for asking!" :)

Another thing that really gets on my nerves is when a customer calls out the price of every item I'm about to scan. I want to say "yeah, you wish!" Either that, or them handing me something and saying "this is buy one get one free, right?" Then having to explain to them that I need their MVP card for the sale price to show up... as they have an aneurysm because it's showing the full price on the screen. Chill people, chill.

Quickie

One of my favorites-

This 70-something male customer (frequent shopper, I see him often) came up to the office desk one day for a lottery ticket. I don't know his name, don't know any details about regularly purchased items of his, basically this story is so funny because this is such a bland customer. He is very, very quiet and kept to himself. Anyway, back to the story. He comes up to the desk and asks me for a Cash5 for that night. I'm in the process of printing the ticket, ringing him up... throughout the whole transaction he doesn't say anything other than "Cash5". At the time, I had this barbie key chain (as shown above). Except the head of my poor barbie had fallen off, but the body still remained on my keys for days because I just couldn't part! My keys were in the office cash register, right where this little old man could see. As I was handing him his ticket and thanking him, he pointed at my headless barbie and mumbled "she wasn't listening to you, was she?"

... yeah that's the end of it. Maybe I just found it amusing that, of all the things he and I could have talked about, he chose my headless barbie. He is now one of my favorites because I underestimated his ability to stand out!

It Takes All Kinds

As I mentioned in 'The Man in the Fish Hat', it takes all kinds of people to make up this world we live in. Working at the grocery store, I see every single kind of person.

The frantic and frazzled woman who is so rushed and stressed that it stresses ME out! The man who doesn't speak at all throughout the whole transaction except to tell me he forgot his MVP card at home (everyday). The cell phone diva that acts like a celebrity and when I ask for her MVP card she looks at me as if I am interrupting her important conversation. The abusive mother who's child is terrified to even look at the candy rack because the whole entire store heard her screaming from the dairy aisle. The frail old lady purchasing a case of Natty Light and a tall can of Railroad Mills snuff. The alcoholic young woman who never wants her receipt (evidence, duh!). The  s  l  o  w  customer and the in-and-out customer. The basket case lady who, as soon as she walks in the door, you KNOW is returning something for whatever reason (and what do you know, she has misplaced her receipt... again!). The customer that digs and digs and digs in her pocketbook for at least 5 minutes when, I KNOW, she doesn't have her MVP card (I don't even think she owns one, but she claims it is "somewhere").

I better start a whole new paragraph to describe this one:

The middle-aged lady who always wears a fleece, leopard print, floor length cloak and apologizes every 5 seconds for whatever reason: taking too long to load her groceries onto the belt, reluctant to find her MVP card but has found it after you scan yours for her, got $20 cash back but wants you to break up her bill after you've already closed the drawer. I know the most odd things about this woman. For example, her father collects pennies and she always wants to trade me a dime for 10 pennies. She calls the store at LEAST once a week to speak to my boss. I transfer the call to him anyway when I am certain he will always transfer it back to me to answer whatever question she has come up with. She needed 20 large boxes a couple weeks ago because she hired 3 men to come and paint her guest room (she needed the boxes for storage, I reckon). I haven't seen her yet this week, wonder what she's up to?!
Wow... excuse me while I go look for a life!

The Man in the Fish Hat

I have to constantly remind myself that it takes all kinds of people to make up this world. The man in the fish hat is a rare breed! I believe he is a yankee but I'm not about to strike up a conversation with him to find out. He graces my store with his presence every week, sometimes in multiple trips. My co-workers and I see him pull up in his van and we know to emotionally prepare ourselves for what is about to go down. 

Just to give you a visual- The man in the fish hat is an older fella, probably in his 60's I'd say. He is awfully hairy, his face is hairy, his head is scraggly hairy...ugh. He looks like he smells, but I haven't gotten close enough to sniff. He is on crutches (I have no idea if it is an injury or if he opted for crutches instead of a walker... strange). He is always, always, always wearing a blue hat with neon colored fish all over it. Never fails! Real tacky- reminds me of something Bernie from Weekend at Bernie's would wear. Did I mention he is the rudest person I have ever met? And LOUD! 

Lovely, I know. Okay, here is his grocery store routine. He hobbles through the automatic sliding doors and heads straight for the Mart Cart (you know... that little motorized, hoveround type thing). He plops his crutches in the basket and off he goes. At this point, my eyes are rolling so far into the back of my head. Time goes by and he is done shopping, headed for the check-out line. Conveniently, he ALWAYS has to belch while paying for his groceries. Conveniently! Every single time, never fails, just when you think he's not going to do it, he does it! It is so nasty of a burp, I can almost taste it. I feel the chunks rising in my throat as I place his bags in the mobilized cart. It's not a subtle burp either... it is very loud and gurg-ly! "One day I'll say something to him... one day!!" I say to myself. When that day comes I'm sure it'll be worth writing about!

Where do I start?

So basically...

I know everyone knows what a grocery store is and it's purpose to society. We get it. The company buys thousands of products from vendors and sells those products to the consumer for a REASONABLE cost to make enough profit to keep the lights on and the business alive. Yes, I did say reasonable and did I mention business?

Which brings me to my first rant~ COST. Please remember... this is a business, not a charity. I'm sure my banner would be tickled pink to give away groceries everyday but they have bills to pay too. Grocery prices rise and fall just like gas prices. It is not necessary to try and negotiate your way through the check-out line people! No need to nag about how high the prices are to your 17-year-old cashier who blows her paycheck at American Eagle every other week. We all have to buy groceries, just be smarter about the way you shop! MVP card helps, I create my whole shopping list based on the weekly circular. Use coupons (but don't get crazy!). Bottom line- your opinion on cost is irrelevant.

Another topic I'd like to address today is The EBT Card (aka food stamps):
Writer's note- I am not against the concept of government assistance to purchase food for yourself and your family. I am not heartless. I am only against those who abuse this privilege.
I wonder if the American government ever feels like a big fat dummy? Certainly it is logical to provide financial assistance to those in need. Did it ever occur to anyone that perhaps maybe this system should be regulated? Maybe, just maybe, margarita and bloody mary mix should not be covered by food stamps (yeah, it really does pay for that). Also, I wonder if these people would really purchase crab legs and steaks on a weekly basis if they paid for it out of their pocket? I can't tell you the last time I bought a $30 bag of crab legs... or any time I bought a $30 bag of crab legs. Maybe I'm so bitter because I see people, daily, who run out of food stamp money in the check-out line and put back edible items so they can purchase better things with their cash... like beer! My opinion (like it matters, I know) is very simple- regulate what people can purchase with food stamps! Want to help prevent obesity in children? Don't provide people with a little card that pays for Oreos, Cocacola, and all the frozen pizzas they can get! If junk was a bare necessity to survival, trust me, they'd find a way to pay for it just like they do with Colt 45 and Marlboro reds! Bottom line- Wake up government (and tax payers), you're being played like a freakin' fiddle.

Again, just my opinion. No biggie!