Dumb Crooks

In my life, B.G. (before grocery), I would have never thought about theft at a grocery store being an issue. Why would anyone need to steal food? If you're that hard up, go get food stamps- I'm sure you'd qualify. Anyway- some stories about dumb crooks to follow.



I've seen all sorts of theft. I've seen innocent theft, desperate theft, accidental theft, nasty theft, and dumb theft.

The innocent- When small children ask for candy, the parents say no, and they slip it in their pocket. Talk about a difficult situation there! I'm probably supposed to 'tattle' on the child but it's extremely an uncomfortable issue. "Excuse me sir, your child is a thief." (and a brat) I usually just give the child a stern 'you're in trouble' look while the parents aren't looking. That normally does it. I use to teach pre-school... I have the 'you're in trouble' look down.

The desperate- Empty or near empty miscellaneous items found around the store. I mean, when I see a box of tampons laying on a display of potato chips and only 1 tampon is missing... that is some desperate theft. I've seen a box of condoms, opened and missing only a couple from the box. Why not just take the whole box? If you're that desperate, it's probably a great idea for you to use condoms, though. You certainly don't need to reproduce.

The accidental- When customers come back in to the store to pay for something because it didn't show on their receipt that they paid for it. Which is great, leads me to believe there are still a few honest people left.

The nasty- Why do people cram grocery items in their clothes? Or worse, down their pants? If I even wanted to steal RAW meat, the last place I would store it would me down my pants. I guess the temperature on the grill kills most of the germs... but by the look of the thieves that do this, I wouldn't risk it. There is a woman who shops at my store that scoots around in a mart cart while she shops. Her method of stealing is shoving items underneath her butt while she's sitting on that cart. Not attractive to witness, especially because she usually wears triple XL tank tops with no bra and her saggy boobies hang out the armpit holes. The kind of side-boob action that NOBODY likes!

The dumb- This is my favorite crook story to tell, ever. On a normal summer afternoon, I was bagging groceries and walking around when, out of the corner of my eye, I see a man push out an entire overflowing buggy of items. I did a double take, stood there in shock for a few seconds... grabbed my male bagger and ran out the door (I wasn't going out there alone, people's crazy). We ran up the hill in the parking lot to catch him, as he is running too. He knows we are behind him, pulls up to a truck, hops in and leaves the buggy in the parking lot. All that work on his part for nothing. My co-worker and I pushed the buggy back into the store- feeling like the freakin' heroes of the day that we were. What was in the buggy, you ask? About $200-300 worth of meat department items, lots and lots of produce, 5-8 Digorno frozen pizzas, 5 cases of Bud Light (of course they couldn't get the cheap shit),  5 boxes of Franzia wine, and lots and lots of other misc. items. That thing was packed like a suit case! It definitely wasn't their first rodeo- they were professionals. If I described what he looked like, I would be describing half of the southern white male population. But I don't think I have seen him since...
Technically, once the product has left the store, I am not supposed to go after it (company policy). On the count of I could totally get shot, I reckon. But, I wasn't about to let a $500+ buggy slip right out the store like that! My district manager was visiting the store at that time, too! I wheeled the buggy up to my boss and the DM and said "I just retrieved this from a crook in the parking lot... I need a raise."

(and just for the record, I didn't get a raise)

Men vs. Women

A man walks in, grabs a basket, collects 5-7 necessities and heads to the check-out. His form of payment is usually very simple... either cash with exact change, credit, or debit. He doesn't want a receipt, but most of the time he won't tell you- he'll just take it and dump it wherever. Next thing you know, he's out the door before you can even say "thank you!"

A woman walks in, grabs a buggy, prints out coupons at the self-serve kiosk, observes the coupons, stops to get a weekly circular, grabs a wipe to sanitize the entire buggy, and begins her journey. First stop is produce, checking every single tomato until she finds the one she wants. Carefully placing the bananas in the buggy, because the ones she picked are PERFECT. She shops the store in order, aisle 1-14, up and down. She neatly organizes perishables, non-perishables, meat, produce, and squishables in her buggy. Oh, and all of the meat is separated in individual clear baggies with paper towels in them as well. She gets to the check-out line, has a few words with the cashier, something like- "I know I've got my store card but I'm driving my husband's car today and he doesn't have one on his keys... (digs through purse for 2 minutes)" or "Can you bag my colds with the colds and cans with the cans and produce with the produce please?"  (Do I look like someone who would put a can on top of bread?!) Finally, all of her items are on the belt- ready to go! BUT WAIT! She has coupons... that she has misplaced. She digs, and digs for them. The coupons surface, now we can start scanning! I tell her the total... "but, did you scan all of my coupons?" Umm, you just witnessed the whole thing, live and up close. She argues with the cashier for 5 minutes about the price because it is just not right. Finally the cashier convinces her that it is right, she begins to pay. She pays with a check (because it takes the longest amount of time... duh). She asks if she needs to fill out the check, cashier explains that it is not necessary because she will be giving the check back to her. She says she will fill out the check anyway because she has already started... 2 minutes later, the check is being processed. She signs the slip- takes the receipt. She studies the receipt for (what seems like) hours until she leaves. She needs help out to her car. She is full of drama. She is a woman.


Need I say more?!

Shirts and Shoes Required!

Do you think anyone actually reads that sign?
NO... they don't! And might I add that it is ALWAYS the ones that you don't want to see without a shirt on! It's not like a hottie with a body is going to walk in the store half naked. We get the fatties who are daddies. Not that there is anything wrong with being fat and a dad- but cover it up in public please! A family came in last night, the dad AND son were shirtless. Way to set an example dad, geez. Also, I see more and more kids with no shoes on in my store! I will admit, from time to time if I'm in the office doing work or standing at a register, I will take my shoes off for a short period of time. There is no excuse for a small, young child to be barefooted in a grocery store. We've found needles (either diabetes related or drug related) in our parking lot before... your child steps on that and gets AIDS or hepatitis=NOT my problem.

Moving right along...

Tonight my boyfriend's family had a 20th anniversary extravaganza for their local Chevy dealership. I saw a hand-full of my grocery store customers... people who only see me in my work clothes. It is so strange to me that people don't recognize me sometimes without my work clothes on. I do own normal clothes, you know! I see you every.single.day of the week... It's meeeee, ya little grocery girl! They act like it's as if they are seeing a fish out of water! They might double-take, squint, or even over look! I don't ever speak first, unless I know them on a more personal basis (like a GOOD regular). I mean, what am I supposed to say?! "Hey... you probably don't even know my name, but I see you everyday at the grocery store I work at. You know... you always buy Banquet meals and Coors Light, pay with a debit and never want your receipt..." They'd think I had lost my mind! So I just act like I don't recognize them most of the time. It's not mean, it's just awkward, okay?

A few updates

Peligro situation at work:
Today we had a CSM meeting at my store. Every customer service manager in the district was there today along with our district manager and his assistant. Our maintenance man was also there (due to the 4 work orders we've put in for our air conditioning in the past week). Around 3ish we get news that a sink has fallen in the women's bathroom. Thankfully, no one was hurt. A 'little' girl was simply just washing her hands as the sink collapsed. But before she washed her hands and the sink fell, she slipped in the bathroom and hit her head on the floor... talk about a series of unfortunate events. So, conveniently our good for nothing maintenance man was already there, so he attempted what he could. Followed by a couple plumbers... professionals. 

Another semi-funny grocery list I found sunday night.
White crackers (as oppose to black ones?)
Chips (from England?)
"Baby, go to the store and get me sum dem fancy chips from England and dem white crackers."

Moving on~ Someone called the store today and asked if there was a fitness gym beside the HWY 49 store. Ummm, I don't know, I don't work at the HWY 49 store. Strange. Google it!

Some of my co-workers and I discussed a few topics yesterday that definitely need to be covered via confessionsofagrocer.
The first one would be (drum roll), common sense. The belt at the register is moving when you walk up, you put your groceries on it, then hold your groceries back as the belt is still sliding because there is a customer in front of you- even if said groceries are the ONLY groceries on the belt. Clearly, I know they are yours if they are the only ones on the belt, you don't have to hoard them. And if I accidentally scan something of yours onto another person's order because you didn't use the divider bar, it's okay... these things can be fixed, don't have a panic attack. Also, ladies, please don't put your purses on the belt-in-motion and then get aggravated because it's moving.

I know it's hard, but we must remember to be considerate to our little grocery girl as well! Do you know how hard it is to pick up a hand fulla' coins on a register belt with no finger nails? I was holding my hand out for you to HAND me the change, don't dump it on the belt. Often I take my sweet little time picking it up just because the rudeness was not needed!

Another issue I have with money is... storage. I do not want to touch money sweaty and fresh from your bra, makes little grocery girl throw up in her mouth. Or, when people lick their fingers to sort out their money- EW! Or grab their MVP card out of their baby's mouth and then hand it to me... I don't like babies as it is, and I certainly don't want any of your baby's slobber germs. My motto for this would be: "couple wet wipes in case a bum try to touch me, EW" -Nicki Minaj

Lost and found

Jafar, from the Disney movie Aladdin, left his cane at my store. We had this cane in the office for weeks, not knowing what it doubled as... a Samurai sword. My produce manager stated "now THAT is worth a LOT of money" but I have no idea who would pay a pretty penny for this thing. That snake head is awful scary to me, I think it's the red eyes.

So, Jafar, if you happen to be driving by the store within the next couple days, please come by and get your cane. If not claimed, we plan to sell it to gypsies in exchange for their tears.

Strange and Unusual

A "regular" elderly customer brought this nifty little figurine in one day... and you KNOW I had to take a picture! He also explained to the Hispanic lady in line behind him exactly what was "in the joint" (which he called "dope" and spoke to her as if she was deaf rather than foreign).

This is a shot gunned beer, for those of you who didn't binge drink your way through college. An elderly lady wheeled in a buggy one morning, approached me and said "GET THAT OUTTA THA BOTTOM'A THERE!!" I had no idea what she was talking about, looked down and saw this laying in the buggy! Hilarious! Somebody straight up either A) broke open a case of this (high class) beer and quickly shotgunned while in the store or B) well there's really not a B, I guess A is the only option here. Now that I think about it, though, it really doesn't surprise me to see this in small town, USA. Every male in this town carries a pocket knife and every male in this town drinks beer. Pocket knife + beer = shot gun success. Although, most prefer PBR or Bud Ice. This little doosey was like a shot of Crown Royal to the consumer, I'm sure!

Shorties

Me: How are you doing today?
Customer: (silence)
...I can feel his eyes burning holes in my body.
Transaction is complete (1 case of natty light)
Me: Thanks have a good day.
Customer (in a deep raspy voice): You sure are purty.
Me: I look up at him, all 400 lbs of him, with my bangs all in my face,
sweaty and exhausted... and force "Thanks" out of my mouth.

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Me: Do you have your store card or phone number?
Customer: I don't have either... could I have your phone number?

Me: Um not today, but I have a card I can use, don't worry! ;)

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Customer: If you're happy and you know it your name is Ashley...
Me: My name is not Ashley.

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There's this crazy yankee lady who likes her groceries bagged in PAPER and THEN plastic, yes... paper, then plastic over the paper. Which is very difficult I might add! She screams at her children the whole shopping trip and is a cashier's worst nightmare!

Crazy yankee lady: Now I know you're new here, so I'm not that mad at you today... but I was sure you knew that I liked paper then plastic!! As she re-bags her order, throwing things around in rage.
Me: I glance down at my name tag, then glance back up at her, inferring I'm not just a cashier... Actually, I've been here forever but I'll make a mental note of it.

(And for the record... I didn't bag her groceries paper then plastic because I hadn't seen her in awhile and I was hoping she had changed her crazy mind! )

Another crazy yankee lady story-

She had just gotten done shopping (different trip than the one listed above), all relieved that we were rid of her for the week, then she comes back inside sobbing hysterically.
Crazy yankee lady: I NEED TO CALL THE POLICE! CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME?
Me: Casually... Yes what's the matter?
Crazy yankee lady: Clutching her 9-11 yr old daughter close to her... MY DAUGHTER ALMOST GOT RAN OVER BY A PSYCHOPATH IN YOUR PARKING LOT!
Me: Oh okay, the phone's right here, just press line 1 or 2 and dial 911.
... and I continue on with my life.

I'm sorry- as a parent, in a public parking lot, YOU are responsible for your child's safety. What am I supposed to do? Escort her out to her car to make sure her and her child don't get hit by a car? Last time I checked, I was a little grocery girl... not a cop! She's crazy and needs a thorazine drip! I look for her picture on the cover of "SLAMMER" from time to time...  (if you didn't know, SLAMMER is a little newspaper sold at gas stations with pictures and hilarious descriptions of recent, local, criminals!)

Crazy yankee lady might need her own post one day, that one wasn't such a shorty!
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Grand theft Bud Light-  I'm walking around, bagging, and watching the front end one weekday last summer. Out of the corner of my eye I see an elderly lady in sunglasses, holding on with the jaws of life to a case of bud light, walking toward the buggies/front door. I'm thinking "hmm maybe she's just getting a buggy to do more shopping..." because people do that! Nope, she walks right out the front door and I run after her. I get outside the door and in the fire lane I see an old beater car, a big black dog, her, and the bud light in her backseat. I give her a "what the hell do you think you're doing?" kind of look and hold up my arms in question?! 

She says: Oh, sorry! I just parked in the fire lane cause ma' dogs in the back! Points with her thumb to the dog. You have a nice day!
Speeds off...  I had never seen her before, and have not seen her since. She must be a gypsy.




Still standing,
MB

Found: horribly spelled grocery list

We find lists a lot... these are a couple of my faves.

It's all fun and games until...

Yesterday was probably one of the most interesting days I've had in the grocery business, ever. By interesting I mean disgusting, annoying, and down right dirty.


Just to give you a visual:
We just hired 2 MALE cashiers (we have never had boys before) and I was trying to keep a keen eye on their every move. Lord knows, a teenager handling money is scary. They will just grab bills out of the drawer and hand it to the customer without counting it back to them... EEEKK!
 
We were super busy, then died... so we let a few girls go except for 2 male cashiers, me, my CSM, a girl I was training in the office, and a bagger. Not to mention these 2 boys had never been on a register prior to yesterday, brand newbies! Even though they did really well, they are still slow as Christmas- searching for 10 seconds to find the barcodes and asking me what random produce items are called (i.e. celery, green onion, zucchini).

We started to get busy around 9:45pm (we close at 10pm). It's the first week of the month so you know what kind of orders we had... HUGE food stamp buggies! Filled to the rim with items like: canned meat, banquet frozen dinners, taquitos and ribeyes. I start to panic a little.

The drunks roll in... I'm assuming they are "family" and share a food stamp card (happens all the time), but they had like 2 mart carts and 3 other buggies filled with random garb. Annoying.

This random woman walks in the door right before 10 and asks me "since I'm already here now, can I still shop after you close?" I have no idea what gives people the right to think just because they are "in the door" before 10pm that we are going to wait on their ass to finish shopping. No. It doesn't work that way people. I told her we would give her til about 5 after 10, then she had to get the heck outta dodge. 10:20 rolls around and she's still in there, piddling through the yogurt section. We made an announcement and she came rolling up. She made me check on a price for her when she got to the check-out. When I got back, I notice a huge pile of unidentified liquid underneath her buggy and I screamed "WHERE DID ALL THIS LIQUID COME FROM?" No one says a word... "NO REALLY Y'ALL, THERE'S LIKE A LOT OF LIQUID DOWN HERE!"  My manager (who was bagging) gave me the sign to STFU and pointed to the lady's pants. By god if her pants weren't sopping wet. She wet herself in the check-out line. And didn't even act like she knew it happened! Not to mention she smelled (before she peed) and was completely a trademark of the town's finest backwoodsman. If she was old, I maybe would understand... maybe. But she wasn't old enough to give her the right of passage to pee herself in the grocery store. We had already mopped the floor, so the bagger had to get the mop machine and do it again.


The funniest part about this story is, when the cashier left his first day of work, he said "man I really don't like closing!"
Wonder if he'll come back for day 2?...

EDIT: He came back for day 2... life is good.